From my own experience, it was one of the worst things to ever have to go through as a women because never in a million years did I think I would be faced to be in a relationship in where not only I was being abused emotionally, physically, verbally and mentally, but also having my own child witness her father being abusive towards me. Event though she was little and did not quite understand what was happening, she still witness it and those images stay in the mind of the children, and if you as a mom do not do your part to help the both of you deal with the situation while you are in the abusive and toxic relationship and after you are out of it, then it will be harder to be able to grasp a hold of both emotions, as you are trying to still survive and figure how to get yourself back up and your children are dealing with not only the issues from the past, but also with their own issues that they will face as they enter their pre-teens and teenage years, as they are in the face of discovering whom they are.

This is the reason why I made choices and decisions, while I was going through this nightmare, because being a mother, and not just a mother, a mother all around was what I always wanted, and this was not going to stop me from being that mom for her. So when she gets older and she looks back, what she will remember, is that yes, we went through hard times but my mom was always there for me and taught me the opposite of what the past gave us. That I fought hard for the both us and that moving forward in life was the only thing I had in mind, and because of that I was able to give us the opportunity to have a different life, especially because I made a decision and a commitment to surrender both of our lives to God completely so we may be able to really break free, heal and rise and be better prepared for any future challenges that we may face, because at the end of it, the enemy is always trying to find a whole in where he wants to come to steal, destroy and kill, especially in todays world and society for both adults and children.

Everything is a matter of choices, like the choice to stay in that relationship even though you know its not good for you, but you still want to see if the change will happen on their end, because deep down inside even though you really don’t know about faith, you have some type of faith that things will change if you try harder and harder to make him see, but in reality you are utilizing precious time trying to get someone to see their wrongs when they don’t see any, except the ones that you have, because at the end of the day, the only one at fault is you. This primary happens when God is not the primary focus in the family, something I came to learn as I was trying to find ways to help both him and I and save our relationship for the sake of our daughter. But my ex had no intention at all to ever change, because he said there was nothing wrong with him, that everyone else was crazy and wrong to even think he had problems or issues. That right there is one of the biggest narcissistic ways of a narcissist to behave.

As I made the choice to stay, trough the years, I made sure that being a mom did not affect in any way, because as I mentioned above, I wanted to be a true mother to my daughter, even in the middle of such harsh times like the ones that I went through. Even the time in where we had to sleep in the car for 1 month, not once, but twice because we lost our apartment due to his bad management, as I was the only one working up to at 2 jobs at one point and he would take my checks because he had total control of me in every way and he had a really bad habit of spending money and also of gambling. His control got so bad to the point that after a while, I was not allowed to even have a cell phone and if anyone wanted to talk to me, they would have to call him, and he knew that would be the last thing anyone would do, because no one wanted to deal with him as they were so angry for what he was doing to me and our daughter at keeping us in full control under him. He would time me as I would leave the house to go to work on the days he would not drop me off, and time me on the way home from work and if I was even 5 minutes late, hell would break loose. Then yet the times that he would fall asleep, or go to the casino before Yodania was born or just forget time in general and would pick me up at work up 4 – 6 hours later I could not say a word, because if I did, I had no right to be upset and hell will break lose.

Through all this, I was still a mom, focusing on just being a mom, because by a certain point in my life, that was all that was really keeping me going, and I knew in some way that I was doing it right, because as a women in general, I was feeling like a total failure and like a nobody, that honestly all I wanted to do was die, because I thought that was it for me, that I would never be able to get out, and that this will truly never change and this would be my life for ever. But because I was trying to surrender to God, reading books on personal development, watching videos, I knew that at the end of the day, not all of it was my fault, the part that was my fault was staying there with a person that never loved me and respected me, that all they saw me was as a puppet or slave to attend to his every needs. All that time, not once did I ever bad talked to my daughter about her dad, when she would ask why was daddy acting that way, I would tell her, his just a little sick and does not know how to handle the pain. Its common sense ladies, why would you want to add more hurt, pain and confusion to your child when they are seeing it with their own eyes, there is no need to add more fire into the fire. It wont do anyone any good, especially the children because it would just confuse them more at the time of having to start figuring out life, when the pre-teen and teenage years come around and you as a parent want to make sure to do your part to make that process as less uncomfortable for the both of you, by being there and talking to them, as well as learning how to helpyoruself and them deal with those emotions and the rollercoasters from the past and with the ones that they will face as they grow up.

Choices… Choices… Decisions…Decisions… Ladies… its all there is. I made them and I know that you can to. My Why… was so much bigger then anything, and that Why was and till this day today is my daughter. This is the reason why I focused on the forgiving, on the breaking free, on the healing and on the rising, from the moment I said this is the end of this hell, and where my true story, my happy story is going to begin, and this decision was made 8 years ago, and today I am here sharing my story and my testimony with you, with the hopes to at least reach one woman who needs to hear this. For her to know that you are not alone and that there is hope at the end of that dark place that you currently see yourself and that what ever you do, do not keep your children apart and treat them different, they are not at fault for their dads behavior and they are just as scared as you are and at times even more, as they don’t understand. Decide to rise above the storm, to help you and them deal with what happened so the aftermath of what is to come, does not get worst. The healing journey ladies is not an easy one, but it surely is not an impossible one, as long as your focus is on your WHY and on getting to the other side of where you were. But you must be willing to fight hard for you and your children.

Remember times passes no matter what as it waits for no one. So instead of passing time, remembering over and over what was done to you, utilizing other ways that do not come from God, and pushing your children away into the outside world to teach them to live a life even more wrong than the one you both faced together. Spend the time seeking refuge for you and your child/ren in God, so you can be able to create the life that God has for you both after abuse and you do not make the same mistakes again and to know better for next time and to be able to help your children not fall down that same hole and help them to be able to handle life as they grow up in this messed up world we are living in. We have the power to embark ourselves and our children most of all, to make a difference in this world by learning to our God first in their lives, something a lot of us, like myself did not have that guidance from my parents, yes they were Catholic, and we went to Church once in a while, but I nor my siblings were ever taught correctly at being prepared for life. This is why I want to be the difference and teach my daughter, not only by words, but also with actions, because at the end of the day, your kids are watching your every move, so make sure that they see that the actions and moves you make after a bad past, is one to make positive changes and lead a life all of you can be proud of and ready to take charge when ever the enemy tries to attack.

Have a Safe, Happy & Blessed Wednesday & 2021 Year to You & Your Loved Ones!

Sincerely,

Katherinn De Camillis